The Flame

She moved about her home, like a robot, trying her best to keep it together to do what was needed -- what is expected of her. Something was missing and had been for awhile, but she couldn't put her finger on it. It must be the stress...it must be the illnesses...it must be not knowing...She stopped and lingered on the edge of the canyon -- feeling the pull she tried to move on so as not to slip on the crumbling ledge...if she stood there much longer it surely would not hold her weight and she would be lost forever.
As she turned to distract herself it happened....the force was winning and she was pulled under the wave of grief and anxiety.
"Why?" was all she could say as she fell to her knees. Clinging to the side of her bed, as if it were the only thing that could keep her from slipping all they way into the dark hole of her despair. The tears made tiny puddles on the hardwood floor and her nose ran onto her lips and she did nothing to stop it.
"Father? Are you even there? Where have you been? We need you LORD! I'm sorry -- I haven't been coming to you. I can't even hear you anymore -- oh Lord I need to hear from you.!" I AM WITH YOU ALWAYS. Oh Father forgive me! I am so weak! I am not worthy of you or your love or your protection. HUSH CHILD -- MY SON DIED FOR YOU -- I AM WAITING FOR YOU. MEET ME AT THE RIVER. I WILL BE THERE -- AND YOU WILL NOT BE FORSAKEN.
She pulled herself off the floor, almost too drained to move. Her legs shook as she made her way to the door. But deep inside there was a warmth. Something was happening, the flame was being fanned -- she thought it had long been doused -- but even in the cold, dank darkness it couldn't go out...the flame of hope is eternal.

~cb
"I pray to God—my life a prayer— and wait for what he'll say and do. My life's on the line before God, my Lord, waiting and watching till morning, waiting and watching till morning. " ~Psalm 130:5

A broken heart is mended by Promises Kept

Is it possible to die from a broken heart? I know a boy, who is so lost it breaks my heart. I also know that God doesn't break His promises and so I am standing on them...a little wobbly but standing on His promises none the less!

Proverbs 22:6 says: "Point your kids in the right direction — when they're old they won't be lost. "

I am clinging to that for my boy...he was created to do great things and though the roaring lion seeks to devour him, but Jesus is the Victor and HE will be glorified.



I am clinging to the promises - my grip is weaker at times - but HIS is stronger than anything that seeks to tear us apart.



Proverbs 3 encourages me:

"Good friend, don't forget all I've taught you; take to heart my commands. They'll help you live a long, long time, a long life lived full and well. Don't lose your grip on Love and Loyalty. Tie them around your neck; carve their initials on your heart. Earn a reputation for living well in God's eyes and the eyes of the people. Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track. Don't assume that you know it all. Run to God! Run from evil!Your body will glow with health, your very bones will vibrate with life! Honor God with everything you own; give him the first and the best. Your barns will burst, your wine vats will brim over. But don't, dear friend, resent God's discipline; don't sulk under his loving correction. It's the child he loves that God corrects; a father's delight is behind all this.



I want to do this well...I want my struggles and my triumphs to glorify God - but then I guess they aren't my own - they are His - - - and so is my boy. Carry him to safety Father.

~cb

Nine Years of Amazing Love!

Today I celebrate nine years of marriage to the man of my dreams. I am fully aware of how blessed I am and that there are only a handful of people like me. How many out there can honestly say that they married the man they dreamed of as a little girl…literally? I don’t ever want to take for granted the amazing gift from God that is my husband. I never feel quite worthy enough to be his wife, but I am thankful everyday for him.
On our wedding day I told him in my vows that I knew he was God’s proof of His Graciousness to me. He was the balm on my dry parched soul after the dessert and the sunlight of my life after years of rain and storms. These words continue to be true.
I am a blessed woman and a grateful one too. I have a husband who is faithful to only me. He loves the Lord and loves me with the love of the Lord. He is good, kind, noble, trustworthy, tender, loving, full of integrity, and sexy to boot!
What is sad is that it shouldn’t be so rare for a woman to be able to use such words to describe her husband, and yet I know of several women who don’t have that feeling of awe that I have when he comes through the door at the end of the day, or the butterflies I get in my stomach when he is home early and I didn’t expect him. The thrill I get when he puts his arm around me in Church and runs his thumb along my neck. The warmth he can transmit through his eyes, and although he may not say it all…I know it’s there, waiting for me…right behind his eyes and deep in his heart.

My Groom is my gift from God, and my love for my Groom is new every morning and deeper with each moment. I waited a lifetime for him and almost gave up hope…but he came to me just in the nick of time.


Happy Anniversary Babe! I love you more each day!

~cb

“Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom can be no variation, neither shadow that is cast by turning.” James 1:17

“Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.” Philippians 4:8

Pressin' On!

I’m sick…really sick. I’ve never been this sick in my entire life…except for the scarlet fever I had when I was 13, but I don’t remember those 2 weeks of my life. I won’t bore you with the gory details…well…maybe I will. Did you know that Strep throat can travel to your other organs? Except by the time it gets to your kidneys, it’s no longer strep “throat”. I wonder if they call it strep kidneys…hmmm. I think maybe not…Anyway, talk about painful. In addition to this, my littlest one has had impetigo which is also caused by the streptococcus bacteria. This can actually lead to flesh eating disease, so we have had to wash his face, hands and arms with a prescription cleanser and apply antibiotic ointment. He is looking much better, but not entirely cleared up and this morning he started coughing (which I started 2 days ago) now I am wondering if I am developing pneumonia.
Throughout this time I have been having excruciating headaches and dizziness and that has prompted me to think about the many dear souls who are chronically ill or even terminally ill. They are in constant pain, with the knowledge that there is no light at the end of their tunnel…at least not on this earth. I have wondered how I would function if I were terminally ill and in pain 24/7.
All that thinking about being terminally ill, lead to thinking about my family and how they would handle me dieing but more importantly, if I did die…what would I leave behind? And by that I don’t mean who I would leave behind. I already know that, my beautiful man, our 6 kids and one grand-baby. What I meant by “what would I leave behind” is what would I be leaving them? What will my legacy be? What will there inheritance be? How will they remember me?
I know that some might think these are morbid thoughts, but for those of us who live with an eternal perspective, I believe this is a must. We must question our actions, our motives, and our impact on others. In my journal I wondered the same things I have been wondering of late. November 2, 2005: “I often wonder how I will be remembered by my Husband & children. What will they say about me when I am gone? Will a sweet smile come to their faces when they think of me? Will they carry on the traditions I started? Will they speak well of me to their own children? I have stumbled and fumbled through these years … 22 years of parenting. Will they resent me for this?”
I’m pretty sure I’m not going to die from this strep thing, but I think it is healthy to hold ourselves accountable for the impact and impressions we will leave on others, especially the ones that God has entrusted us with. He gave me a beautiful man to love and honour. Am I doing that? I hope so…I know I need him more than oxygen. How to get him to need me that same way remains the elusive dream. But I will honour and love and cherish him till the day I die.
And hopefully my daughters will find men just like him and will know from my model how God wants them to treat their husbands. God also gave us 6 amazing children. How I have done with them still remains to be seen. If I could measure my success as a parent by the amount of love I have in my heart for each of them, then I would be the best parent on the planet! But unfortunately there is so much more to it and God doesn’t send them with a manuel…well He does, but we actually have to read the Bible and spend time with Him to hear Him.
I have, at times failed my children, just by not spending time with Him. Then there are the things we cannot protect them from. Like people who also have an obligation to them, but treat them as pawns and use them to either make them look good or to use against those of us who truly love them. God help the man who has messed with my children…he will answer one day.
Beyond that, what will they say? In that same journal entry I wrote: “I am in a season where more than half of my children either think I’m stupid or they hate me for even being involved in their lives. It’s kind of lonely. But I believe they are worth it. How your heart must break LORD when we turn our backs on you or don’t allow you to help us. Forgive me Father.”
I guess in the end we wont be able to control others’ perceptions of us, but will matter is what He says when we stand before Him. Will He say, “Well done my good and faithful servant”? Let it be so dear God! In the mean time, I will try to keep the thoughts in the front of my mind that every little thing we do here, in this little blip of time on the huge time line of eternity is counting for eternity.
I will remember that I want my kids to say to their kids, “my mom was the sweetest lady, and I always knew she loved me, and I always knew I had a soft place to fall with her”. I want them smile sweetly when they hear a song I used to sing and hear my voice whispering, “I love you - - - don’t forget”. I want them to treasure every memory they have of me. I want their heritage to be rich and full of love, so that they in turn will love the spouse and children God gives them well.
And that is why, I press on.

“I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running and I'm not turning back.” ~Philippians 3:12-14

”I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.” ~Philippians 4:11-13

~cb

What I REALLY need is...

What I really need is a personal assistant...one with great writing skills...that way I would really post a "daily blog".
Such a person would need to have first hand knowledge of the inner workings of my complicated life and a clear understanding of how this affects me. Said person would need to be able to document my bizarre life, without making me sound completely crazy or totally pathetic. Also, if such a person existed…said person would need to completely love me and my family in order to colour the blogs with just the right tint of emotion and vulnerability.

Please apply in the comments section….thank you so much,
The entirely too busy and completely insane author of this blog site!!!

But seriously…I think God gave me a spanking today…once again I was getting wrapped up in my worries and struggles. Albeit legitimate problems…they are nothing for my sovereign LORD.

Here’s what God gave me today:

Isaiah 40:21-25
21[You worshipers of idols, you are without excuse.] Do you not know? Have you not heard? Has it not been told you from the beginning? [These things ought to convince you of God's omnipotence and of the folly of bowing to idols.] Have you not understood from the foundations of the earth?(A)
22It is God Who sits above the circle (the horizon) of the earth, and its inhabitants are like grasshoppers; it is He Who stretches out the heavens like [gauze] curtains and spreads them out like a tent to dwell in,
23Who brings dignitaries to nothing, Who makes the judges and rulers of the earth as chaos (emptiness, falsity, and futility).
24Yes, these men are scarcely planted, scarcely are they sown, scarcely does their stock take root in the earth, when [the Lord] blows upon them and they wither, and the whirlwind or tempest takes them away like stubble.
25To whom then will you liken Me, that I should be equal to him? says the Holy One.

Who am I that you would even consider me worth saving from an eternity in hell?
1. God is who He says He is
2. God can do what He says He can do
3. I am who God says I am
4. I can do all things through Christ
5. God’s word is alive and active in me

I’M BELIEVING GOD!!

You with me Sista?

~cb

I love my Husband...I want to keep him

I love my husband so much. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by how much God has blessed me by giving me this incredible man. Tonight I found myself staring at him as we drove home, just trying to memorize every detail of his face and the look in his eye when he realizes he's being watched and how his smile spreads across his face, so sexy!
I have this fear that I wont get to keep him for as long as I would like...I think it's because I still can't believe he's mine or that he chose me! And because of this fear I find I do the memorizing thing a lot. I want to remember always, how it feels when he holds my hand completely in his, the smell of his neck, the warmth and security of his embrace, the many things he can tell me, just with his eyes, the incredible things just one of his kisses can do to me, his tenderness and his hungry love...
I want to remember his deep yet soft voice, as he leads me in prayer everynight before we sleep, his incredible capacity for faith, the real kind...the kind the BELIEVES GOD, not just in God, his big hopes and dreams for us and his enjoyment of our lives even with our limitations. I love how he enjoys just watching our wee ones and how he hasn't forgotten what it was like to be 14 & 17 just like our boys. I love his tenderness when he deals with our daughters and his frank honesty and openness with the boys.
I love my husband. He is my living proof that God is Gracious, he is the balm to my wounded spirit and my joy and laughter after the storms and tears. He is my best friend, lover, companion and soul mate. He is a gift right from my Heavenly Father's hand and I want to remember to treasure him as such.
I want to keep him...I love him with all of me.
"Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow." ~James 1:17~
~cb

Be Careful what you wish for & Mind how you pray...

For the past 12 years I have prayed that all the “stuff” I had gone through in my life, wouldn’t be for naught and I also prayed that God would use me, and I mean use me anyway he saw fit. One of my gifts was a singing voice, and I figured that may be one of the ways He would use me, but instead for a period of about 6 years He removed completely from those opportunities. Although I missed singing, my heart on that issue was that if He wanted me to sing, He would put me in it and if He didn’t want me to sing, I didn’t want to. I had learned how much better it was to rest in His will than to have my own.
I sang publicly again, for the first time last, January. The song was titled “Completely Yours” and was truly a testimony for me…

” I brought to you my heart, stained by the guilt of sin…”
It tells the story of God’s spirit in me being the only way I could be truly changed and then my promise…
”I’m completely yours, the rest of all my days, and this eternal debt can never be repaid. So I give to you my all, though it may seem small. You are ALL I need and I will always be completely yours.”

At the time our family was in the middle of a very terrible time. We were facing many struggles from every angle to the point of wondering what we had done so wrong to deserve all the attacks. But we came to the realization that they were just that, attacks and we didn’t have to battle them alone, but what we did with our hearts and minds during this time would be up to us. So we decided that if Job could praise God during his testing so could we and so WOULD we…the next time I sang publicly God gave me the perfect song for me personally, “Praise you in this Storm” by Casting Crowns. After months of rising at 5 am and being on my face before God and begging him to take this cup from us, we were no better off... His constant answer was "not yet my child...meet me at the river". I was amazed that I could sing this song…but then again…it’s not me is it?

“I was sure by now LORD, you would have reached downand wiped our tears awayStepped in and saved the daybut once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining
As the thunder rollsI barely hear your whisper through the rain"I'm with you"And as your mercy fallsI raise my hand to praise the God who givesand takes away”

My decision was to Praise Him in “THIS STORM” and all the ones to follow. I knew that even though I was praying everyday for relief, the season wasn’t over yet. I knew also that when the season ended and another began, more seasons just like the one were in would come again, in addition to this knowledge I was becoming keenly aware of God’s hand in all the little details of our lives and how He had been placing things in order before I even knew about them….little did I know how He was answering my prayers from years ago…
Fast forward to this Christmas Eve, 2006…my hubby took our youngest out of the church service in the morning, he was too wiggly and there was no child care this Sunday morning. He took him to play in one of the Sunday school rooms and shortly there after a woman joined them with her little guy. My husband introduced himself and they played there for awhile with the children. After a while the woman spoke, “your wife is a singer right?” My husband answered, “Yes, she sings here on occasion.” “She sang a song last year, called ‘Praise you in this Storm’ right?”” Yes that was her” he said. She recounted to him her talk with me after that service and how the song had touched her and why. She tearfully told me about her good friend in Cameroon, Africa who had just been diagnosed with Leukemia at a very young age. She then asked me who wrote the song. I had given her the name of the album by Casting Crowns. As she was leaving she thanked me for choosing that song for that day, because she needed to hear it and so did her friend. I told her that it is all God and He chooses the songs and gives me the opportunities. As she wound up her account of that day to my husband, she added that she had indeed gone out and bought the CD and sent it to her friend. She told him it brought her friend great comfort. My husband asked how her friend was doing, her reply, “she died”.
God was answering my prayer. I asked Him to use me, and he was, even without me knowing it. He used my own struggles, to lead me to a song that I thought was for me, but it reached all the way to Africa to comfort a dieing woman and her friend who couldn’t be with her.
This past fall I started to get to know a sweet young woman better. I had known her since she was a girl and had even taught her Sunday school. Certain circumstances in her life brought our paths together and I was honoured to be able to support her in a difficult time, but this was no coincidence. Once again, God was answering my prayers. Remember I asked him not only to use me, but that everything I had experienced would not be in vain…for nothing. Well it seems that even the stuff we think is just bad stuff is being used to glorify Him. Praise God for that. Well as Christmas was quickly approaching and money wasn’t coming in, I took ill, partly from an ongoing illness that is triggered by stress and partly just plain sick. My two wee ones were sick too. I almost couldn’t function at all, here it was a week before Christmas, nothing bought, no money to buy, nothing baked, no ingredients to bake with and no energy to do anything about it all. I started praying for a miracle, a Christmas Miracle. However, I didn’t have enough energy to imagine what form it could take.
It was in the middle of all this that this dear sweet tender-hearted friend who has been a balm to my heart and soul more times than she knows, and has ministered to our oldest daughter and grand-daughter, decided a course of action. She wanted to “play Santy”! Excitedly she and my oldest daughter started making lists and plans to go shopping. She shopped and wrapped and shopped and wrapped. She took me shopping, she took my husband shopping and on Christmas Eve, the gifts came out from under the tree to half way into the living room. The stockings were filled and had over-flow bags beside all eight of them! We were blessed beyond belief.

The best part of all was the joyful way in which she did this for us…really for HIM. She selflessly, obediently and sacrificially gave us and our children the Christmas we never would have had.
As my husband and I marvelled, this morning, at the miraculous way our Christmas came together, and thanked God for providing for us, we realized that it wasn’t all about us. Our friend kept saying this was the best Christmas ever! We thought we were the ones going through this because we had something to learn or because we had done something wrong. And in the midst of it as I tried to stop her from doing all this, my friend used my own words against me in an email…”it is our privilege to bear each other’s burdens and part of ministering to others is allowing them to minister to you”. She revelled in the joy and excitement that she was largely responsible for making happen, but not for her own glory or anything in return, just for the shear joy that comes from being obedient to God and open to Him using you. She was the instrument of our Christmas miracle. We prayed that God would use us, she needed to see Christmas in a different light, we had no money to make that part of Christmas possible for our children, God used her and WE ALL WERE BLESSED IMMENSELY!
Praise God for knowing His plans for us all. And praise God for His mercy. I am sure one day I will get a glimpse of the wings this friend cleverly hides under clothing…she is an Angel for sure! Thank you Sweetness! *mwah*
So…be careful what you pray for, be sure that you mean it when you pray, He hears us and will answer….and remember His plans are not our plans. Praise God for that too!
Jeremiah 29:11

~cb
To see the rest of the Lyrics to "Praise You in this Storm" by Casting Crowns go to: http://www.christian-lyrics.net/artist/casting-crowns/track/praise-you-in-this-storm